Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
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All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Dune (2021)
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Today’s homeschooling Google searches: