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“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Think I pulled my liver
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.