[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
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I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
KFC hitting the cannibal market
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say