I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
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a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
This hospital has everything
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3