Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
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Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Not helping
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Breaking news:
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.