Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
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Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
starting a garage orchestra
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.