Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
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Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,