*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
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MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
This meeting could have been a cake