Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
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Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.