Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
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I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Jail
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?