I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
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gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
My new favorite headline
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
This meal prepping shit is easy
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Most fashion shows these days…
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)