my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
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Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES