Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
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Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.