I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
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A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
#dalle2
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?