Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
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Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this