I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
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Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.