Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
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People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
what do you want!!!!!!!!
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*