Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
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My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Noted.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?