My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
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Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA