ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
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You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”