My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
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That’s easy for you to say
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.