I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
You Might Also Like
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’