American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
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Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Bros before Ohioes
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
I’m giving up ice.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.