Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
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I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Squirrels before girls.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to