A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
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Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
I just ran a .003048K
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up