When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
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“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.