Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
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iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
A drum solo but on your face.