Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
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I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
There’s only one good girl here!
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Hey I worked for it too!
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?