Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
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When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.