” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
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I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
A little too much information.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
no their not
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.