The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
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Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.