You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
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In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
These dogs look like they have good credit.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide