Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
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you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.