Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
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” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days