TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
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I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual