The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
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Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.