Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
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me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16