I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
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waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
the red hot silly peppers
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly