We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
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I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Noah was an idiot.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”