Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
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The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
choose your gary
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread