I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
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My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Boating season is upon us.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?