The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
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my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Gross if literal…Liverpool
I need better friends
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds