You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
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Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob