Need WebMD
You Might Also Like
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
I love twitter
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
DOOO EEEET
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.