I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
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HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
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! ! ! !
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.