Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
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[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
the simulation is moving too fast
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Breaking news:
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
how was your vacation
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
beware of dog