DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
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Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]