Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
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22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.