I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
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Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Software Development ⛵️
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.