when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
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my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
The USS B port
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.